Ever since I found out that my husband was cheating on me, I already knew something terrible would happen to my overall health. No, it is not as though I was already planning to sabotage my well-being so that people could stick around and feel sorry for me. It was not like that. Instead, I knew that I was going to suffer from a devastating emotional and mental health battle. And I was never wrong about it because I eventually endured some of the suicidal thought sooner than I expected.
When I thought that I was cheated and lied to, the things I valued most went into the trash. Those include my relationship with other people, my self-love and awareness, and my appreciation in life. Everything that revolves around me became my source of hate and condemnation.
I became hateful
I even lost interest in how much I love to live life, especially when I am incapable of almost doing anything, even for the benefit of myself.
I am afraid to talk about my feelings, and I do not want to say them aloud. I do not want people to think that I am after their attention and show signs of weakness because I need to validate my bad, harmful ideation. I don’t want that. As much as possible, I don’t want anyone to know that I am mentally and emotionally drifting. Besides, I do not want my husband to think that what he did to me was his winning moment. I do not want him to underestimate me.
But even if I tried my best not to give in, I always find myself constantly feeling alone. I hate that I experienced something like this that is awfully painful and genuinely heartbreaking. Due to this cheating issue, I was never the same. I often have this sentiment that I am a total shit because I am constantly at the end of the rope feeling doubtful of everybody. I feel like I am in a dark hole, where nobody sees me getting trapped into an unknown world where there is no way out. I feel so hopeless that I consider death as an opinion only to stop my anguish.
But I didn’t pay too close attention to telling anyone what is in my head because it just come and go. But sometimes, even if I can shrug off these notions, I still fear them. I know my notions represent a psychological problem that can push me to do it one of these days. How sure am I with that? It is because I attempted to look for several options on how to accomplish a sudden death. With that sort of thought and behavior, I realized that there is a need to talk about it.
At first, I thought that to get rid of my suicidal thoughts, all I have to do is talk to some of my friends or family members about the things that are bothering me. Once I managed to tell them what was on my mind, they would automatically understand what I am going through. However, when I decided to discuss my mental and emotional issues with them, I lost them. The moment I opened up my feelings to the people I love, it instantly created a gap. That is because these people were unable to grasp my condition. Some think that I am overreacting, while others believe the problem was not as big a deal as I thought.
With that, I chose a different path and went to vent out my emotions to a stranger. That is where I decided to undergo a counseling service. Self-harm counseling provided me with a glimmer of hope to keep me going. The counselor somehow helped me think clearly and thought that all this heartache and suicidal ideation should not influence my will of living. Counseling prevented me from doing something that I honestly do not want to do. It made me rethink my goals in life and enabled me to accomplish a fast emotional and thought recovery.
My Takeaways About Suicidal Thinking
I desire to feel better because I now think that life has so much more to offer. Therefore, I will not let these notions control me. I am glad that I decided to seek a professional counseling service because I would not know if I’d suicide if I had not considered it.
Thankfully, I don’t think of those dark ideas now.
I am positive that whenever the negative idea of doing suicide will reach my thoughts again, I know I can count on encouraging and motivating myself for overall wellness.